Life and times of a Cowboy and his Unicorn

Things are moving right along...

2011-09-09T13:35:00.000-07:00

The bills are paid up a bit. THANK THE GODS!!

So, The Cowboy was just talking to The Ex on the phone and I can't help but be a jealous snatch. Seriously. He seems to get along with her SO MUCH BETTER than he lets on. I know he's not sleeping with her, but it's driving me crazy. Why? I DON'T KNOW! I WANT him to get along with her. I don't want him to get stressed out when he talks to her. I want him to have a peacful life and get to see his kids and everything.
It doesn't bother me so much that he seems to be getting along with her.. it bothers me that I am becoming more and more sure that he's lying about it. He probably wouldn't have to feel like he had to lie to me about it if I weren't so jealous. Ack.

I'm such a loser.

I think I am becoming his ex...

2011-09-04T12:06:00.000-07:00

I don't know what is happening to me. Seriously. Can my complete lack of interest in life really just be due to the stress of bills? It's beginning to take it's toll on my relationship with The Cowboy. He's still prefect. It's me. I feel like we are losing our connection. Not that we love each other less, but that we aren't in TOUCH with each other like we always have been. He's trying so hard and I just... I'm just less... not less interested, but less interesting.
I NEED A JOB! I need human contact with the outside world. I need... to get my shit together.
I find that he is watching what he's saying around me a lot. That's not good. We used to talk about everything. Now, he seems to feel that he has to censor himself. (See my last blog).
I was supposed to meet my cousin in Napa today for coffee. I am going to have to call and cancel now. We don't have money for coffee. Not to mention, we don't have CAR INSURANCE and have to minimize driving. (Car insurance got cancelled on the 30th). AND... we have a headlight out. Super.
UGH! That is all. Bitchfest over.

WTF is wrong with me?!?

2011-09-03T21:12:00.000-07:00

I am completely irrational and have no idea why. I ASSUME it's because my period is coming. (It's late, BTW.. thank the Gods I had a tubal 17 years ago!). I have had all of the usual period like symptoms for like 2 weeks now. I usually have mine right before my daughter has hers. Her's has come and gone. Mine still isn't here. It sucks. Not because I WANT my period, but because I am TIRED of feeling like/being a horrible human being. I am ready to go to WAR with The Cowboy's five year old daughter right now. Should I let a five year old get to me like this? Hell no. But, right now.. and really the last three times they've been here, I have just wanted to be completely separated from them. The poor Cowboy probably thinks that I hate the kids. That is not the case at all. If you have read any of my previous posts, then you know that I do get stressed out by their lack of any discipline.
We have been watching Lost on Netflix. We are now at the end of season 1. The Cowboy and Ninja have both seen it before, but this is my first time. (Guess you could say I'm a Lost virgin). We try to get an episode in after the Cowboy comes home in the evenings and before we pass out. It's our family time, sort of. When the kids are here, they DOMINATE the TV. Cartoons and children's movies all day and all night the entire time. Sometimes a horror movie (the 5 year old is REALLY into them.... the boy is fascinated by them, but they frighten him... I don't approve, but it's a whole different blog). We got a free Wii and the five year old wants to play that all day now. My point is: we NEVER listen to music we like or watch anything remotely intelligent when the kids are here. Ever. Today, in a sad attempt to be at least a little bit social, I ask The Cowboy if we can watch some Lost together. (Otherwise, I was hiding in the bedroom, which has been my MO the last three times they have been here). This is why. We watch an episode. We decide to watch another episode. Totzilla asks "Is this the last time we have to watch this?" I reply: "Probably not". She TOTALLY ignores me and asks again "DAD, is this the last time we have to watch this show?" Thinking that since I am on the floor and facing the other way, that maybe she didn't hear me or maybe she thought I was talking to my daughter (who was sitting in front of me) I say again "Probably not, Totzilla". She heard me, I know she did, but she says again, "Dad, is this the last time we have to watch this show? I want to play Mario now."   It COMPLETELY pissed me off. I HATE that she does that. She does it all the time. She knocks on our bedroom door all night long .. and if *I* answer the door she says "I need my DAD.". I GET that I am not her mom. I GET that she doesn't actually ever want to be here. I GET that her dad gives in to her a lot more often than I do. The Cowboy falls asleep like 20 seconds after we get into bed most of the time and doesn't wake up to ANYTHING. Not the kids. Not his alarm. Nothing. He's tired. He works LONG hours at a physically demanding job and then has a 2 hour commute each way to boot. But, that leaves me to deal with the "I NEED my dad." all night long. Even if he's awake and she knocks on the door (for the 2390483294872th time) and I so much as say "It's open" or "What do you need?" she says "I need my DAD". Earlier in the day, The Cowboy had to go to pay a bill. I came out to watch the kids. He had just fed them lunch before he left. I wasn't out there for it, but he told me that he had given Totzilla a ham sandwich and Manboy a hot dog. (He was going to give them BOTH hotdogs, but, of course, Totzilla said she didn't WANT that.. she wanted something else... it's the same every meal no matter what the offering is). So, he leaves and I am in the kitchen when she walks in and says "Umm... I need my lunch.". I said "Your dad already GAVE you lunch... you had a sandwich and Manboy had a hotdog, remember?" She said "Oh." and walked out. WTF? They had JUST finished eating like 20 minutes before.
The Cowboy is being VERY understanding, but the tension is thick. He is trying to play go between and keep me from having to deal with them, but it's making him feel torn. (Understandably so). I don't want that. I would NEVER want to make him feel like he has to choose between his children and me. That's ludicrous! I can't help but feel like when they (especially the 5 year old) are here that I just want to hide, though. It's either that or spend the entire time they are here being ignored, disobeyed and frustrated. When we had them five days a week, it was a LITTLE better because our rules were the regular rules and they were getting regular discipline. Now, they come and it's utter chaos.   *Edit: it seems that part of my blog was deleted and I will ATTEMPT to recreate it*
Another thing that has been getting to me is that I'm pretty sure The Cowboy is not being completely honest with me. He always makes The X out to be a terrible, horrible person and an awful mother. He says that when they were together, he did all of the cleaning and childcare ON TOP of being the only one working. She was taking classes at the JC while they were together). He SWEARS that she cheated on him with all kinds of people. He said that she would leave the kids unattended while she slept all day. (Her Step-mother even threatened to call CPS on her.. this was confirmed by the step mother.. she HATES The Cowboy's ex and has gone out of her way to be friends with me.. probably just to piss off The Ex.). Now, I have seen her be a completely unreasonable bitch. I have listened while she yelled and screamed and thrown actual tantrums (*I* am the boss... *I* make the decisions NOT YOU!). I do see that Manboy comes to our house with a rash almost every time he comes. (It's always gone within a day of being here). But, there are a few things that don't add up. 1. If she is really such a terrible mom, why do her kids ADORE her like they do? 2. if she is such a terrible mother, why was he SO unwilling to fight for custody. (He always said that it was never his intention to take them from their mother). 3. She tried to threaten him that she was going to tell me something when we first got together. She said (more than once) "What are you going to do when she finds out you're a LIAR?". One day (WAY back in the beginning), The Cowboy came to me and told me that she was trying to get him to agree to her schedule/terms regarding the kids (which at the time was basically "I don't want to actually take care of them.. but I want money") and that in order to blackmail him into it, she was threatening to call and tell me (the new girlfriend) that he had slept with her since we'd been together. He said he was warning me, but that it WAS NOT true. Now, I have heard her use these types of tactics since then... (I can almost ALWAYS hear her side of the conversation if I happen to be in the room during a phone call... she's usually yelling). But, I have always wondered. I know he loves me. (Today I can't figure out WHY, though... I am being such an ass!). Something in my gut tells me that it's true, though. Whether that's because I have been cheated on in the past or not is the only thing that makes me unsure. There is also the fact that I would kind of understand if it HAD happened. They had been together almost 12 years. During the last 5 or so, she used sex as a weapon. He wanted it. She refused unless he "earned" it.   She often used it as a "carrot on a stick", so to speak. So, if after 6 or so years of trying HARD to get into her pants, she suddenly offered it to him... VERY shortly after they had broken up (like just a couple of weeks or less)... who knows? It would be a like getting a shot at "The one that got away"... or "the one that broke your heart". It might have been too hard to resist. There is also the fact that he never talks to her around me anymore. I get the impression that they are getting along a lot better than he lets on. Usually he tells me "I talked to Ex today... she bitched about ....". He tries to make it sound like they NEVER have a civil conversation. That she ONLY bitches and that he HATES talking to her. I'm not so sure that's true. Occasionally he "slips" and tells me that she mentioned something to him in passing about something that seems 1. relatively personal to her and 2. not at all something that you would say to someone while you were "bitching" at them. Do I think he's STILL sleeping with her? No. Not at all. If it happened at all, I would say it only happened the one time. I just feel like he is constantly sort of "doctoring the truth" to keep me from ... getting jealous? Or, since he NEVER stands up to her, maybe he just doesn't want to tell me things that will make him seem "weak" in my eyes. Who knows? It just bothers me that I feel as if he's hiding things or lying.
Ok. I guess I have vented enough. I just needed an outlet because I am just so damn ANGRY all the time right now.. I want it to stop. I know that our financial situation is REALLY depressing me. Bill collectors calling all the time. I can't seem to get a damn job. We're WAY behind on our house payments. The Cowboy is trying hard, but he's got this "bury my head in the sand" take on things. If we ignore it.. it will just sort of work itself out. It won't. We could very well lose our house. And the cars. Wait.. guess I wasn't done venting. *sigh*. I pray that I can pull my head out of my ass soon and get my act together. I need a job. I need to stop being depressed and crabby. What I *want* is for life to just stop and let me off for a while.
Wish me luck.

Not much going on today..

2011-08-15T02:09:00.000-07:00

We took the children back to their mother today. It was kind of a relief this week, because Manboy has decided that his entire vocabulary should consist of the word "No" yelled at us at the top of his lungs. As in:

Me: Hey, Sweetie.. you have your cup, you want some juice?
MB: NO!
Me: You don't want juice? Are you all done?
MB: NO!
Me: Umm. Ok. Let me know if you change your mind.
MB: ... juice?
Me: You DO want juice?
MB: NO!
This is when I say ok and just walk away. That is almost always followed by Manboy throwing the cup at either me or his sister. *sigh*

Say it with me... "children are a blessing.... children are a blessing...."

This weekend was actually worse than most. We got them on Thursday. Immediately, Manny (Manboy) started throwing fits, hitting everyone, throwing things, yelling and just generally being a turd. This didn't stop.. not all weekend. Whatever was bothering him, was also bothering Totzilla. Neither of them slept for shit. The last night they were here, I got up at 12:30 to go to the bathroom (and check on the little ones) only to find Totzilla standing in the middle of the front room with a "CAUGHT!" look on her face and before I could say ANYTHING, she says, "Don't worry. I didn't go outside. I SWEAR! I wasn't outside. I mean, why would I go outside?". I check the front door and it is unlocked. >.< We keep it double locked so that Manny doesn't go outside without adult supervision. She didn't go to sleep until well after 3 a.m. I was ready to lose it. The Cowboy wouldn't wake up no matter what I did. Manny cried and just generally threw a huge fit about having to go to bed (he didn't really nap... doesn't he NEED sleep at some point?).. He actually tantrumed himself into a vomiting fit. He does that. So, on top of being REALLY tired, and pissy, I had to clean up baby barf.
I'm just glad it's over this week.
  Let's talk about money, shall we? We have none. We are behind on everything.. so much so that our internet is going to be cut off tonight (maybe before I finish this blog) and our bank account is overdrawn and, proboably, closed. Our house payment is SERIOUSLY overdue. The red car could get picked up anytime. I can't seem to find work no matter what I do. I finally gave in and applied for unemployment. It sucks. Hopefully I'll find a job before I get approved. (IF I get approved).
           Anyway.. I wanna post this before the internet is gone.
                      Toadflakes, out.

So much has happened...

2011-08-12T18:50:00.000-07:00

Alright, Faithful Reader, grab a cup of coffee and get comfy, because we have a LOT of ground to cover.
I am sitting here now waiting for The Cowboy to get home from work. What did I accomplish today? Not much of anything, really. I filled out about 25 different online job applications, applied for unemployment (I *HATE* the idea of collecting money from the state, but we are getting desperate), registered with EDD's job search and made a cup of coffee. That's it, really.
Last Monday I drove 25 miles to a job interview that went really well. They told me that I was hired and that they would call Wednesday morning with my new schedule. YAY!
I can hear you now *Wait, Toadflakes.. if you got the job then why in the world are you still applying for jobs?*.. well, when they hadn't called by Wednesday at noon, I called them. The man said "Oh, I was just about to call you. We had a former employee move back into the area and I chose to hire her back instead."   *sigh* Back to the drawing board. In the meantime, I had cancelled my interview (job seminar) with Aflac (which I wasn't all that sure of, anyway, after reading up on it online).. so now I am back at square 1.
The Cowboy, however, has just been moving and shaking. =] He swore into the United States Army yesterday. He ships out in February.   He'll be gone for like 8 months, though.. so I NEED to have a job and be caught up on bills by that time. No pressure. I am VERY excited about being a military wife again, though. I was once a Marine wife. I LOVED it!
We are still dealing with all kinds of issues regarding his ex and the kids. We have the kids now, although this is the last time we will have them for a long period of time. Totzilla (5 year old female) starts school next week and so we will only have them on weekends. Then, when The Cowboy ships off, I won't be able to see them at all. =[ The Ex and I don't speak and therefore there is no chance of working out some sort of visitation even though her number one complaint is that she won't get a break from the kids.
She has been talking to The Cowboy about taking the kids and moving back to Oregon to live with her mother.   She is still engaged to the guy she was seeing, and I don't think he knows she's planning to bail. They fight all the time, though, according to mutual friends/family members. Eh. Whatever brings happiness to all involved, I say.
Anyway, I have registered on soloops.com and post there frequently. It's a military wife support site.
   I guess I'll sign off now. I should really get up and at least put on a damn bra before The Cowboy walks through the door.
      This is Toadflakes, out.

Chef Boyardee I am not

2011-03-30T08:07:00.000-07:00

I have been on a cooking/baking kick. I figure if I am to be a proper wife to my cowboy, I should probably learn to cook something other than my ghetto meatloaf. (I will include a recipe for that at the bottom of this blog, if you ever want SUPER easy, SUPER tasty meatloaf).
I have been checking out different online cookbooks. My favorite is Pioneer Woman. Check her out. She's funny, she breaks everything down Barney-style and the recipes include step by step pictures.
So, The Cowboy informed me that he really likes quiche. (Which is funny, because the start of her quiche recipe actually says that Cowboys don't eat quiche. Mine does.)
Please keep in mind as you read this that 1. I don't eat cheese. 2. I am not a big fan of eggs, either 3. I have never made a pie crust from scratch 4. Quiche sounds to me like some sort of exotic food that is crazy difficult to make.
So, I go check out the recipe and .... hey.. this doesn't sound half bad from a cooking standpoint. It's rated "Easy". This is so exciting! So, I get out of bed at 3:30 in morning so that I can get the quiche done before The Cowboy had to get up. This is when I discover that easy for someone else might not be so easy for me. First of all, Ree (The Pioneer Woman) was using a pre-made pie crust. I didn't have a pre-made pie crust. Ok. No big deal. I am woman, hear me roar! I can DO this. I look up a recipe for pie crust from scratch. This sounds easy enough. Four ingredients. Four minutes (roughly). Yay! A few minutes later I am wrist deep in a flour/butter concoction wishing like crazy that I had the tool that they recommended, because.. it wasn't supposed to look like that. Ugh. a minute or so later, I come across another issue. I have no rolling pin. I ended up using a jar that was full of instant iced tea mix. Ok. I have conquered the pie crust. It actually even looks and tastes like a pie crust. (I take this opportunity to pat myself on the back). Now that THAT is out of the way I get to move on to the Easy part, right? Well... no and yes. I mean, how hard is it to crack seven eggs into a bowl? I can do that. I get out the bowl. I grab the eggs. So far, so good. Egg number one goes right in the bowl. THIS I've done before. You wouldn't know that, though, from my next move. Egg number two.. well, let's just say it's somewhere in chicken heaven never having fulfilled it's intended purpose. It ended up falling out of the shell somehow before it made it to the bowl. Whatever... anyone could miss a bowl roughly the size of a toyota tire, right? I was more careful with the next six. Then I throw in my bacon (I cooked it while I was making the pie crust-like substance). I threw in the sauteed onions and mushrooms. YAY! Everything is going according to plan! This is so exciting!!! I am MAKING a quiche. I am fulfilling my duties as The Cowboy's wife and feeling pretty much like a capable woman at this point. That's when I realize that I don't own a pie tin. This could be a problem. I look for a substitute. Cookie sheet? No. That won't work. Cake pan? Maybe. I set that aside. Then I see the disposable mini loaf pans left over from my banana bread bake off. I am running a bit behind schedule, so I figure that mini quiches (even if they ARE rectangular) will cut down on the cooking time. Right? RIGHT?! I divide up the pie crust stuff into three pieces and that's when I hear The Cowboy's alarm go off. SHOOT! Time to get crackin! In goes the cheese (LOTS of cheese) and a quick stir.. and we're ready for the oven. I don't have an oven. I only have a toaster oven.

Stop laughing. This is my life. =]

Ok.. I'll spare you the details of the cooking. Thirty-five minutes later and I am yanking the quiche out of the oven and running in to make sure The Cowboy is awake. I have his quiche. It looks great. Not too jiggly... slightly browned on the top. Just as it should be.

He wakes up to a quiche shoved in his face. He cuts a bite sized piece off... and... all of the undercooked goo from the middle slides out onto the plate. *sigh* Again. Stop laughing. This is my life.

So, back in the oven goes the quiche. Life goes on. Next time I know to be more prepared. Next time I will also add more bacon. =]

Sam's Ghetto Meatloaf:
2 lbs of ground beef
1 box of Stove Top for pork
salt
pepper
garlic powder or minced garlic
1 can or large jar of your favorite tomato based sauce. I prefer spaghetti sauce.
2 eggs
Optional:
1/2 cup shredded cheese
5 strips of thin sliced bacon cut in half. (making it 10 smaller slices)

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees
Mix the ground beef, Stove Top, garlic, pepper, salt, eggs and half of the sauce in a bowl. (The cheese, too, if you chose to use cheese in your meatloaf).
Get your hands dirty... you know you secretly love this part. SQUISH it all together.
Put it into your favorite pan. I use a round cake pan, because it's not as deep and cooks more evenly in my sad little toaster oven.
IF you chose to use the bacon (this is when it becomes bacon wrapped meatloaf. Call a cardiologist if you must.. but this is GOOD STUFF!!) lay the bacon over the top of the meatloaf after you have mushed it all into your favorite pan.
You should still have sauce left. Use roughly half of what you have left and pour it over the top of the meatloaf (it should go over the bacon, if you are using it). Bake this for about 35 minutes and then open the oven and put the remaining sauce over the meatloaf. Spread it around so it's even and looks pretty. Bake it for another 10 minutes or so.
Serve this with a veggie and either crash potatoes or mashed potatoes. YUMMO!! This makes the BEST sandwiches the next day!!

*You can find the recipe for Crash Potatoes on The Pioneer Woman's website*

Seriously?

2011-03-17T20:14:00.000-07:00

So, The Cowboy stopped at Starbucks on his way home from work to pick me some coffee. He went through the drivethrough. When he starts to pull out of the drive through, the X's car cuts him off and she yells "I want to talk to you!"
He pulls into a parking spot and waits and she comes to his window and starts screaming about how he needs to agree to take the kids ONLY from Friday night until Monday mornings. He told her that the schedule had been working and that he wasn't going to agree to anything outside of mediation. Sooo... she said "Well, then you can't have the kids until after mediation!" What?? Sooo.. now that she doesn't get as much child support as she wanted, she doesn't want him to have the kids?? FUck that. She actually said "YOU don't get to make those decisions! YOU don't get to call the shots, I DO!". When he asked why she wanted to change things now when everything was working, she said "Well, the court lady pointed out that you have the kids more often and I don't like that. It's not fair."
She is a stupid, self-centered, money-grubbing bitch. It's not about the kids.. it's about money. She is selfish and mean.
OK. Done with my rant now. Still pissed. I wanted to be childish and post something on Facebook, but I won't. I am really not that way.. just frustrated as hell.

She's just mad because a house fell on her sister...

2011-03-17T16:43:00.000-07:00

... or possibly because it looks like she will have to get a job. She's such a bitch! So, I don't know if I blogged about how court went for The Cowboy, but it went better than expected.
The X was late by a few minutes and walked in crying with a bruise on her face. She immediately demanded child support, so they were escorted to the court library and told that they must remain quiet in there. The lady asked how often The Cowboy had the kids. He explained that he picked them up on Thursdays and dropped them off on Tuesdays 3 weeks of each month. She verifies this with the X before entering it into her computer thing. She used her calculator and determined that we actually have them 51% of the time. (They break it down by hours). Then they asked the X if she was working. She said no. They told her that they were going to enter her in as working 32 hours a week at minimum wage. She said that wasn't true, though.. she isn't working. The lady looked at her and said "Are you disabled?".. The X replies that she is not.   "So, you CAN work?" The X replies that she is going to school. The lady informs her that school is a luxury and that you still have to support your children. Why would they place children with someone who couldn't support them? Then she tells her that the base figure for child support, unless you're disabled, is 32 hours a week at minimum wage and that is how she is going to be entered. She figures out the child support that should be paid and it's actually $26 less than we have BEEN paying.   The X starts backpedalling... "Umm.. well, he doesn't ALWAYS pick them up at 5.. sometimes he gets them at 7pm and sometimes he doesn't drop them off at 5pm, but at 3 pm and ... " The lady points out that the X had entered on her paperwork when she filed that she had them 99% of the time. She then points out that the X agreed when asked if that was the amount of time that The Cowboy had the kids. The X loses it! She starts going off about how The Cowboy hasn't actually GIVEN her any of the money he owes her. The Cowboy leans forward and softly tells the lady that he is paid up to date and has receipts to prove it. Would she like to see them?
The X completely flies off the handle at that point. They are kicked out of the court library. Then, the X decides that since she doesn't want to get LESS than she had been getting.. she wants to drop the entire case. Now that she isn't getting her way, she doesn't WANT the courts involved. Too late.
They go to see the judge. The judge is not at all amused by the X's outbursts or behavior. They are given mediation orientation appointments and a mediation date.
The Cowboy goes over to see his mom after court. He walks in and there are the kids. He goes into his mom's room to have a cigarette with her and tell her about court. When he is about 3/4 of the way through the tale, he hears the front door open and slam and then the stomping of boots. The bedroom door flies open and the X starts in with "Are you here to tell them your lies?. HAHAHAHAHA! I think this is hilarious.
Why can't she grow up and just make it about the kids?
OK. So, THEN... The Cowboy is on his way home. He's driving along and gets a call from Oregon. It's the X's mother. She starts screaming at him that her daughter just called and told her all about the lies and how he needs to give her money and blah blah blah. He hangs up.   She calls back and he finally gets her to calm down and explains what ACTUALLY happened. He tells her that he HAS been giving her money. He has receipts to prove it. He also tells her that we have the kids over half the time. She is FURIOUS! Apparently, the X has been telling her a bunch of lies about how the kids have no clothes (we just bought them entire new wardrobes) and how she hasn't gotten any money. So, her mom has been sending her $300 a month. She also told her mother that we moved into a huge house and we're set for life and a bunch of other crap. The Cowboy explains reality to the X's mom. She apologizes and says that she is cutting the X off. No more money. HAHAHAHA!
Today, the X calls The Cowboy and starts saying that it isn't fair that we have the kids so much. She doesn't want him to have the kids so often. He tells her that it will stay the way it is and mediation can decide. The he hangs up. She FREAKS OUT! She calls back several times (he doesn't answer).   Then she sends him the following text:
"I am not playing games with you, and yes the kids went with you for a couple of times well umm thats cause you didnt see them in 5 months this isnt a game. And I took you to mediation cause you cant seem to be civil or work anything out and lieing in court and everyone willeventually catch up with you. Its cool to try and make me look bad I know im not so its ok. Im done with your cildish games though and the time between the kids needs to be fair I love my babies." (The awful spelling and grammer is hers).
FIVE MONTHS!? What? It hasn't even been six months since he left her! He left her on September 30th. After he left, he went back on weekends and stayed at her house with the kids while she left.. he also went every day. Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays he stayed until 7pm from the time he got off work. Tuesdays and Thursdays he stayed until 9pm. Then he was there weekends. When we moved, we didn't see the kids for a couple of weeks. (Maybe 3?) This was because our house was unsafe for anyone (especially kids) to be in. There were holes in the subfloor and it was COLD! No heat. Once we repaired the house to the point where it was safe, we started taking them. That was on January 28th. We started keeping them five days a week at that point. She is delusional. She changes reality in her mind to fit what she wants. It's nuts.
I am sure she will continue to call and bitch and yell and demand more than she deserves, but really... The Cowboy just wants to see his children and be done with her. He hates her. He hates it when she calls. He hates having to see her. He hates the sound of her voice. She can almost never call and be civil. She did call last night for a minute and was civil for a minute. She told The Cowboy about something she had figured out about the baby's constant hitting. That was about a minute.. then she started bitching about how she thought his last voicemail to her had been rude.
Whatever. She is what she is. She can't help it. I just don't want The Cowboy to suffer because she is a miserable wretch.
Ok. I'm outta here. I am going to go bake some cookies for the Ninja and The Cowboy and then start on dinner. =]

She's back

2011-03-16T02:33:00.000-07:00

Our beige friend is back tonight. We were in bed and The Cowboy went to the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee. When he came back he had wide eyes and made a sound like "whew". Kind of. I asked what was up and he just said "Nothing." I thought maybe it was cold outside of our room since we only use space heaters and we turn them off when there is no one in the room. We have one in each bedroom and one that stays in the front room. Our house gets chilly and The Cowboy is especially sensitive to the cold. It drives me crazy! He wants to sleep with the heater on full blast and I can't sleep when it's too hot in the room. I digress.
So, later I asked if he wanted anything because I was thinking of having a cup of noodles. He said he'd go make it. (He's VERY sweet like that). Then he said "You don't wanna go out there. It's...... creepy out there tonight." I asked if she was back and then if he had seen her. He told me what had happened (he saw her peeping around the kitchen doorway from the living room). I won't go into too many details, because ... well, because it's really not that exciting. Same as always.. she peeks around corners and disappears.
I went out to the kitchen with him this time. It felt creepy, but then again, it ALWAYS gives me the creeps when we talk about it. Nothing happened.
Then we came back to bed. The Cowboy has fallen asleep and so far I have heard the toilet flush and some cupboard door sounds. Could be Ninja..she is home, but I never heard her door open and it's right next to ours. Also, there is weird banging (not real loud) going on out in the front room area right now and Ninja would have done her business and gone back to bed. I kind of want to go set the webcam up to do the motion detection thing, but I don't want to go out there alone. Stupid, I know.
I googled a bit about ghosts (did NOT help the creepy feeling) and no one else that *I* can find mentions a beige ghost. Always black or white or full on clothed human or whatever... why does ours appear beige? Light beige.. a bit lighter than new sand in a playground or something. Hard to explain. I have racked my brain trying to think of some logical explanation for this. I have tried turning the lights to different angles and such and I just can't figure it out. I can't duplicate the stuff that's happening. I CAN say that we didn't have anything weird happen the entire time the kids were here. Does it not like kids? Do the kids distract us from whatever it actually is? I don't get it. If ANYONE reads this and has any ideas about what it might actually be, I'd love to hear it.
Thanks.

Tomorrow is going to be stressful for him.

2011-03-15T23:02:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning, The Cowboy is taking off to go to the Child Custody Mediation meeting with his ex. He not only hates his ex (and for good reason), but she is his Kryptonite (NO idea how that's spelled!). He can't seem to stand up to her and has the same reaction to her that some people have to the former school bully. You know you no longer have any reason to be afraid of this person, but they still hold some strange power over you to make you feel small and weak. It's funny.. he is neither weak nor small. He is a strong, capable man who is wonderful and caring.
He is completely freaking out right now. He has done nothing wrong. He is a good and caring father. He loves his children and wants nothing but the best for them. I worry that despite all of that, he is already defeated. I think he'll cave and give her whatever she wants just to avoid confrontation. He is also terrified of authority. No idea why. He has never been arrested. He doesn't break laws. He doesn't do drugs or drink (except rarely he will have a drink.... only once since I have known him). So, going to face HER in a court like setting is his idea of hell. I wish I could help somehow, but I have to let him take this one on his own. I feel for him right now.
It is only mediation and, really, nothing bad can come out of this... it's not like he's even asking much. We have the kids 5 days a week three weeks a month. She doesn't even want the kids full time, per se, she just wants to be able to "call the shots" (her own words) and get money from him. (also her own words). He has given her money every month (what she has asked for). Still, she has filed for full physical and full legal. She is trying to use the kids to hurt him. It sucks.
My opinion on the whole thing is that she is a horrible person and she has control issues. My opinion doesn't really matter here. Just thought I would throw it out there. I can't wait until this whole thing is over so he can feel free to hang up on her when she starts screaming at him or insulting him. He is afraid of pissing her off. Afraid of what this will do in regards to his visitation with the kids. Ugh. She owns him.
I have my own control issues and wish like hell I could do something about her. At least sit down with her one on one and tell her to stop torturing him. Obviously, I can't do that. I just have to stand behind him and support him the best I can. I don't feel like I am doing it well enough.
Ok. I'm done for now. Wish us luck.

Evil Step Mother Rant

2011-03-12T21:23:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get so irritated. Maybe I'm just moody (I'm sure the Xmen would vouch for that!), but it irks me that *I* am the primary care giver of the DSK when they are here. I know that The Cowboy senses my irritation and that, somehow, makes me feel bad which, in turn, makes me more irritated.
Take today for example. The Cowboy got a new .357 Magnum on the second. I KNOW he's been dying to take it out shooting. Don't get me wrong.. I am all about him having hobbies, friends, getting out of the house for something other than work... I want him to have a happy, full life. But, he just picked up the kids last night. On top of everything else, we got the baby sick. He looks terrible! He's SO PALE and he has a runny nose that just won't quit. I know he has to FEEL awful... but, I was up with him just about every hour last night. Today, I had plans to go out for the first time in weeks. No BIG plans... just coffee with X2's aunt. I haven't seen her in ages.   She might be the only member of that family that doesn't think I'm the anti-christ. I did get to go over there, but had to hurry home so I could watch the kids so he could go shooting with his dad. (I really am happy that he got to go.. and I am happy that he got to do it with his dad.. his dad misses seeing him).
Anyway, when I got home, The Cowboy ran out the door and before he was even out of the driveway, Aladdin (DSS) woke up from his nap. Screaming. I had just sat Cinderella (DSD) down with some paint and some sun catcher things. He gets up and, because he feels like poo, he screams for like an hour and a half. I got him to take some baby pain reliever.   Then I went to make them some kind of lunch.
I made cheese raviolis for everyone plus a thin bagel with cream cheese for Cinderella (sometimes it's all she'll eat) and toast for Aladdin. I poured them each a little Sprite (a treat at our house.. they don't usually get soda). Aladdin was THRILLED to get the Sprite. He sucked it right down.. poor baby. He was so thirsty! He did NOT want any food, though. He makes that clear by throwing whatever it is he doesn't want. I usually explain to him that we don't throw food .. as in "If it gets on the floor, you get no more" or whatever.. but because he isn't feeling good, I let it go. Cinderella asks what the round things are. I tell her that they are cheese filled raviolis. She (as usual) says "I don't like cheese. Make me something else." Note: She DOES like cheese. She does this about everything we try and feed her. I think it's some kind of control thing. I told her that she still had the bagel to eat. She said "I already had a corndog before you got home. I don't want anything." Fair enough. Don't wanna over feed the kid, right? Well, then she says "I want cake." I tell her that cake is a dessert treat and not a lunch food. She tells me that she will have some cake when she finishes her bagel. *sigh* No. No cake for lunch. Sorry. So, she eats the bagel and then asks for another one. I tell her that she can wait until dinner time for more food.
Dinner comes. The Cowboy is back at that point and asks her if she wants soup. No. What do you want? "Let me look in the cupboard and figure it out."
Cinderella: "I want that."
The Cowboy: "That?"
Cinderella: "Yes, that."
The Cowboy: "Honey, that's french onion soup."
Cinderella: "I want it."
The Cowboy: "Ok, but I am pretty sure you don't like french onion soup."
Cinderella: "I said I want that one!"
The Cowboy (trying his best to stand up to her... he's not good at it): "Alright, but if I make it, you have to eat it."
Ten minutes later....
Cinderella: "Dad. DAD. DAD! I don't want this. I don't like it. Can I have something else?"
*sigh*
It's infuriating. It goes like this all day.
Nine o'clock rolls around. It's bedtime for the chitlins. We go through the process. Make the beds. Make the bottle. Change the baby. Put on a movie/cartoon. Put a pull-up on Cinderella. Turn off the lights. Make everyone else retire to their rooms.
Five minutes later.... our bedroom door opens.
Cinderella: I don't want to watch this movie. I want a zombie movie.
The Cowboy: Honey, you have to knock on our door... you can't just walk in.
Cinderella: Why?
The Cowboy: What if we weren't dressed.
Cinderella: You are dressed.
The Cowboy: I know, but what if we weren't?
Cinderella: You are.
The Cowboy: *deep breath* You are supposed to be in bed.
Cinderella: I know.. but, brother is still awake and I don't want to watch this movie. I want a different movie.
--This goes on for a minute or two more before The Cowboy puts her back in her bed and lies the baby back down. He explains to Cinderella that she must remain in bed. It's bedtime.
Five minutes later our bedroom door opens.
Cinderella: Dad. I don't wanna watch this movie.

*This blog was saved and continued the following morning*

You get the idea... it's like this every night that they are here. I have explained to The Cowboy that there will be no sex while the kids are here because we can't be sure of privacy.    He said we could lock the door. I explained that while that's a great idea and all.. the lock doesn't work. It keeps the doorknob from turning, but if you push on the door it still opens. In any case, it's hard to feel sexy when you know you will have be interrupted every five minutes. We have gone from having sex roughly every 12 hours to twice or maybe three times a week.    This is not my first experience with children.. remember, I raised four. I completely understand that children affect your sex life. It happens and it's a trade off I am willing to make. But, my children went to bed at a decent time. They didn't open my bedroom door without knocking. They didn't even knock unless they had something important to say. They weren't afraid or anything... they just didn't.

I try to find interesting things for the kids to do while they are here. I spent $500 or more on toys and crafts and such. I try to sit with them and DO things. They both have the attention span of a flea on speed.  Well, that's not COMPLETELY true.. Cinderella can play video games for HOURS.  If allowed, she will play with her DS for like 6 hours straight. I don't want that. Also, I don't know if I already said this, but they require cartoons to be on 24 hours a day. They don't always WATCH them.. but they freak out if you turn the tv off or put on music or anything else that isn't Nick Jr.  I HATE the tv. I don't have a huge problem with Nick Jr... but I feel that there are better things to do.
Ok. The kids should be getting up any time now. I already got Ninja up and made her breakfast and sent her to school. Ninja's aunt is supposed to stop by today and I need to do dishes and make some banana bread.
Wish me luck!

I need motivation

2011-03-11T09:21:00.000-08:00

Ugh. Housework. The house is a MESS! I have more dishes than I care to think about and the laundry is piling up. At least I got sleep last night.
I have the BIG motivation... company coming tomorrow. Well, we kind of have company coming tonight. The Cowboy is picking up the little ones and bringing them home for the weekend. (Or who knows how long.)
Tomorrow, The Cowboy's father and his new (33 year old!!) girlfriend are coming. Good gravy! I am SO not ready. They are supposed to go out shooting.. which means I am here with the kids. Not such a big deal, but I have made plans to go meet with someone I just found out lives right down the street from me. It's X2's aunt. (I am sure I must have mentioned the X-men at some point. They are my numerous ex-husbands).
So, check this out. Remember my last post regarding our strange ghost like happenings? Well, I downloaded a program that lets me use my webcam as a motion detection camera. We did a few test runs and haven't seen anything yet. Not that I actually expected to. It's kind of a fun distraction, though.
I am fighting the urge to just go back to sleep. I have taken up sleeping during the day. Depression? Maybe. I am feeling somewhat useless since I am not working and I can't seem to find the motivation required to clean the damn house. (Which is my new job, I suppose).
My weight seems stuck right around 170 to 174. I either need to start working out or just accept the fact that I am not going to get any thinner. Yeah... I need to work out. I would like to get to a comfortable size 6. That means: STOP SLEEPING ALL DAMN DAY! *sigh*

This is going to sound silly and it's completely off topic..

2011-03-10T03:57:00.000-08:00

I know how this is going to sound, but I believe my house is haunted.

So, we moved in the house in the end of January. Escrow closed on December 27th.

A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I were in the front room.. it was late at night. My daughter and her boyfriend were in her room asleep. My husband and I were... cuddling and kind of kissing and stuff, so we had opened the closet door in the hallway. Let me explain, the closet is located between my daughter's room toward the end of the hallway and the main bathroom at the front of the hallway. Sooo... walking from the front room down the hall is like this: kitchen entrance on the right, bathroom on the left, then hall closet on the left, then daughter's bedroom on the left and finally the master bedroom is at the end of the hallway.. so directly ahead. On the right (after the kitchen entrance) is a couple of light switches and a wall heater. Anyway, we didn't want my daughter to walk in on us (really, it wasn't like we were doing anything wrong.. and she is not a child, but.. I just didn't want her to THINK we were doing anything that might be awkward).. we were actually just getting kind of friendly on the floor in front of the TV while we watched movies. We had laid out blankets and pillows. It was fun. Whatever.. think what you want, but I swear, I am not a weird pervert.. I was just trying to enjoy some cuddle time with my husband. Anyway, the closet door opens out into the hallway and we opened it and put a pillow on the floor in front of it so that just incase she (or her boyfriend) came out of the room, we would have advance warning. They would have to close the closet door to get to the kitchen, bathroom or front room.
I am not sure what prompted us to look up, actually. I just know that I looked up and saw someone (I thought it was my daughter at first) peeking around the corner of the hallway into the front room. It was only for a second or so, and then they (she) ducked back into the hallway. When I looked at The Cowboy, he was also looking at the hallway entrance.  We looked at each other and I got up to go see what she needed, but there was no one there and the closet door was still open. I closed the closet door enough to get around it and knocked gently on Ninja's door. No answer, so I cracked it open a little and they were both sound asleep.
I went back out into the front room and before I could say anything, The Cowboy asked what Ninja wanted. I told him that it wasn't her. She was asleep. We decided it must have been some sort of reflection or flash of light from the tv screen (which is on the opposite side of the living room facing the hallway) or something and let it go. No big deal.
The next time we saw her (we have decided that it is a her.. it looks like a girl), we were in the bathroom. Same thing. We (The Cowboy and I) had just finished taking a shower and drying off. I had opened the bathroom door to air it out so I could blowdry my hair. (I always leave the bathroom door open when I blowdry my hair because it's a small bathroom and it gets HOT in there if I don't.) The Cowboy was in there with me and I saw movement out of the corner of my eye at the door. I thought Ninja was peeking her head around to see if the bathroom was free or something. Only it was higher up... taller than Ninja (who is short.. five feet tall). I looked over in time to see the movement of it going away. Not like disappearing or anything. Just like she had seen whatever it was she wanted and was pulling her head back around.   It wasn't Ninja. It was lighter colored... like sand. Not white. Just pale-ish. The Cowboy had also seen this. That's twice. Ninja was in her room and said that she hadn't moved from her computer in over an hour. We made some kind of nervous "That's weird" kinda comment and let it go.
Yesterday, during the night while we were sleeping, the light in the bathroom fell. I don't know how to describe these hideous lights that came with the house. The house is old.. like from the 70s. (I am also old.. and also from the 70s). They are these two large, white, egg shaped glass bulb things that are suspended from the ceiling above the bathroom sink/counter by a chain. One bulb on the left, another on the right. The chains are held up by hooks in the ceiling and then they sort of droop down and then back up to where they connect to a metal thing in the wall between the lights. I really should post a picture. They are ugly. To add insult to injury, the bathtub/shower walls and sink are this awful goldish color. Ick! I can't wait to remodel the bathrooms. Anyway, this morning, The Cowboy got up for work and went to go do his hair and junk. When he came back into the bedroom, he asked me if I heard the light fixture fall down last night. Nope. Nothing. I asked if there was broken glass I needed to clean up before I woke up the Ninja. He said that it was weird. The left glass thing had fallen down hard enough to knock all the stuff on the counter around, but it was still perfectly intact.  That light fixture is on the wall that is between Ninja's bed and the bathroom. What I mean to say is that it's the wall the divides Ninja's room from the bathroom and her bed is up against it.  Our house is a double wide mobile home on a large lot. The walls are paper-thin. It's thin enough that if you are sitting on the toilet, you can hear Ninja typing on her laptop in her room. Ninja is a light sleeper. This evening, I was helping her dye her hair in the bathroom and being in there reminded me to ask her if she heard the light fall. She said she hadn't heard anything. I said (semi-jokingly) that maybe it was the hallway ghost. Up until this point, we hadn't mentioned it to her because she gets freaked out by everything. A scary movie will keep her up with the light on most of the night. Also, we hadn't really made a deal out of it. She looked at me and said "You've seen her, too? Why do you call her the hallway ghost?". This kind of shocked me a bit and I retold the little incidents written about above.   She said that she had seen her only once.. peeking around her doorway into her room. She described her as pale, blondish with blue eyes. Young... teenager or young adult. She had seen her Monday morning. She said that she didn't just hang out in the hallway, though. She said that it comes in her room. We have cats. They pretty much stay in Ninja's room at night.. that's where the catbox and food are. Ninja says that the cats can see her. She told me that (just over the last week or so) that the cats will suddenly look up at something in her room at the same time and then follow it with their eyes. Sometimes they run after whatever it is they are looking at, chasing it back and forth as they would a moth, but there isn't anything there. Ok. Creepy, but we are talking about cats here. It could really be anything. Right?   About Monday: Ninja's boyfriend had spent the weekend. He doesn't live here in town and doesn't drive, so we have to pick him up and drop him off when he comes. Monday morning, The Cowboy and I had left at 5:45am to take him home. Ninja had gotten up to say goodbye to the D-man (her boyfriend) and then gone back to sleep after we left. I called her from the car at 7:15 to make sure she was up for school. (She's in high school.   I could spend the next 2 pages of this blog explaining why her boyfriend is allowed to spend the night with my high school daughter, but suffice it to say that we really like him and she's an upperclassman. She is also very mature for her age. Judge me later on my parenting abilities... her grades are good. She's well adjusted and responsible.) Ok, anyway... she said that shortly after she got up, she was getting dressed and stuff when she saw her peek around the doorway. She walked out into the hall to see who it was and there was no one there. She dismissed it and walked into the kitchen to make herself a lunch and that's when the toilet flushed. Twice. She checked the bathroom. No one there, either. She said she just figured it was the old plumbing and let it go. (Our toilet sometimes runs and we have to fix it). She left to catch her bus (driving scares her, so she hasn't yet gotten her license) and that was it. She said she didn't think much of it until just now when I told her what we had seen.
I took her into the front room and the three of us sat down and discussed it.
I suppose there is some logical explanation for what we have experienced (if you can really call those "experiences") , but I am not sure what it is. The Cowboy says that he saw it one other time when he was off work (he is a carpenter... sometimes he gets days off due to weather). Ninja was at school and I was asleep in the bedroom. The Cowboy was in the front room playing a video game waiting for me to wake up from my nap. He said that he caught movement out of the corner of his eye (again.. in the hallway) and said "Hey, Baby.. how was your nap?". When I didn't answer, he paused the game and turned all the way around to look at me. I wasn't there, so he figured I had gone into the bathroom, so he got up and checked. The bathroom door was open and I wasn't in it. He walked back to the bedroom and I was still there snoring away.
Strange, right? Overactive imaginations? Trick of the light from the TV? I have no idea, but I don't FEEL LIKE it's any of those things. There are other things, but they are small and didn't seem like anything until we started talking about it. Like: sometimes when we're all in bed, the water will start running. It sounds like someone flushed a toilet in the other bathroom or is running water in the kitchen or something. (Could be due to the damn leaky toilet in the main bathroom). Also, the cats will sometimes sit in the hallway and stare at the wall for like an hour. They always stare at the same spot. It's across from Ninja's room between the light switches. Again though, they are cats. Who knows why cats do the things they do?
Whatever it is doesn't scare me, exactly. It just interests me. I want to see if I can capture it on film. I will, I'm sure, just end up with a bunch of pictures of my hallway. I kind of want to give it (her) a name... but, to do so would simply mean that I have accepted that it is real and I do NOT want to end up being one of those crazy people ranting about hauntings and such. Don't get me wrong, I am all about checking out pictures of ghosts and bigfoot and aliens and such. I find it completely entertaining. I LOVE the show Ghost Hunters (I think Jason and Steve are hot, but would never admit that to anyone who knew me). My mother is a total believer and a conspiricy theroist type of person. She believes in crop circles, aliens, ghosts, big foot and Nessie. She has told me numerous stories of things she has seen and what have you. My grandmother also has stories to tell, although she is not like my mother in her beliefs. She just tells stories that seems strange to her.. not offering any particular explanation... just sort of "This is what happened and what I saw... isn't that kinda weird?". I have no idea what to believe. I enjoy reading up on the occult and other weirdness. I can waste hours on the internet reading stories, watching videos or checking out "ghost pictures". I am of the firm belief that "orbs" are dust particles and "vortexes" are camera straps or hair. As a matter of fact, my kids used to look at ghost pictures with me when they were little. (Ninja wasn't one of them... she was too little and always freaked out by everything). The older kids got a bit freaked out once, and to convince them that there was nothing to worry about, my husband at the time (who works for Pixar now), had the kids take the digital camera and snap a bunch of pictures around the house and then proceeded to show them how to fake a ghost picture. Once they understood how easy it was, we went back to enjoying our little hobby of sitting around the computer together looking at ghost pics.
So, maybe my mother has rubbed off on me a bit. Maybe I am already one of those weirdos who is obsessed with hauntings and such. I don't think so, but maybe.   Still, I know what I saw. No, I take that back.. I don't know WHAT I saw.. I just know that I saw something.  More than once.
  I suppose I will go ahead and post this, but I am feeling a bit foolish. What the heck, though... this is my blog, I'll post what I want. =]

Coming home after surgery

2011-03-09T08:48:00.000-08:00

When I was released from the hospital, I was told to go ahead and start on a pureed diet.   (WOO HOO! Mushy food!) I actually stuck with the clear liquids for a few more days before trying to add something more substantial.
Let me just take a moment to talk about protein shakes. EW!  Whey protein isolate is supposed to be the best or most easily utilized by our bodies... but, in my humble opinion, it tastes like barf or rotton milk or something else stomach turning. It took some serious experimenting before I found a solution. Peanut Butter. There is this wonderful product called PB2.. it's basically powdered peanuts (or I guess it's what's left after they extract the peanut oil.)   PB2 works the best, but you can really just put any old peanut butter (or almond butter or whatever) in your shake before you blend and it completely nullifies the yucky protien flavor. Watch out for fat and sodium, though.  Also, I use almond milk instead of regular milk.
  I had a heck of a time (and still do) getting in all of my protein and clear liquids! Seriously, not only are you NOT hungry at all, but even when you do feel up to putting something in your mouth it takes about one sip to make you feel full. It seemed like I was ALWAYS shoving something in my mouth... and isn't that exactly the thing that I am trying to STOP doing?
I really had a VERY easy time of it.  I had a month of paid time off work, my pain was easily controlled with basic pain reliever and I was dropping roughly 3 lbs a day. The things I had problems with were trying to get in all of my nutrients and HEAD HUNGER!
  Let me make this clear: I had no physical desire to eat at all what-so-ever. My problem started when my 19 year old decided to move back home about 4 days after I got home from the hospital.  The first night, she had some kind of microwavable hamburger things that smelled like Heaven! The next night she brought home Taco Bell. The following night, pizza.   It was like some bizarre form of torture! When I explained this to her, she pointed out that SHE hadn't had surgery and shouldn't suffer just because *I* did.   I admit.... I was, at one point, reduced to tears. I remember sitting in my room mourning the loss of my ability to stuff myself with crappy food and going through the "What have I done?" phase.  Most everyone goes through this. I felt like I wasn't being supported... but what was really happening was that I missed my best friend. Food. I missed being sble to take an actual BITE of something.
This was something that I had not prepared for or really even thought about. What happens when everyone else wants to go out to... say .. an all you can eat buffet? What do I do then? What about fast food (my weakness)? *I* had the weight problem. *I* had the surgery.   This has been my biggest battle. I still, eight months later, battle with this every day. I am able to eat basically a small amount of whatever I want now, but do I really want to have gone through all of this just to go back to a completely unhealthy lifestyle?? No way!
I will talk more about products that were helpful in the next blog .
          Thanks for reading!

Our song

2011-03-05T03:56:00.000-08:00

As I lay here listening to the rain, I can't help but smile and reach out to touch the man lying in blissful slumber next to me. When we first met, he decided that the rain was "our song". It's fitting. We both LOVE listening to the rain hit the roof of our house or car or whatever.  Despite the relative shortness of our relationship, we have many fond memories of cuddling up with warm coffee and each other while listening to our song. Honestly, I have never been happier.  I have Dr. Li to thank for all of this happiness ... and Kaiser.
A couple of years ago, I started thinking about, and researching, Gastric Bypass. I read articles and watched videos. I can't count the number of blogs/vlogs I have reviewed. (I am especially fond of Diva Taunia, incase you are interested. If you go to youtube, look for her channel and start way back with her first video. She's entertaining and completely lovely! She has been vloging for some time and therefore, you can sort of watch her amazing progress in fast forward).
I talked to my doctor at Kaiser and was recommended for the program. That was really the start of this crazy adventure.   In March/April of 2010, I weighed in at just under 300 lbs. I am 5'4" tall. (Well, REALLY I am 5'4 1/2" tall... don't begrudge me that half inch!! ) I was wearing a 22, but really pushing into a 24. The 22s were getting tight. I didn't FEEL bad, exactly... I was one of the healthiest obese people I have ever met. I could walk forever without getting tired and, other than not being able to comfortably tie my own shoes or wipe my own bottom, I didn't feel like a "fat person".   If you are not severely obese, then you have no idea the stress that being large puts on you. Wiping your ass after going to the bathroom becomes almost an Olympic event. You constantly worry that chairs/ladders/stepstools are going to break when you use them.  Tying your shoes becomes a decision... do I try it RIGHT HERE?? Where people can SEE me? Mostly, though, I was affected when I ran into past relationships. Not just ex-boyfriends/ex-husbands (yes.. there are a few... I fondly call them The X-Men) .. but really, anyone that I had known earlier in life. I had been big almost all of my life. I had a brief period between the ages of 13 and 16 when I was normal. After the discovery of my first pregnancy, though... all that changed. I grabbed a spork and started digging my grave. I just kept getting bigger and bigger.
Ok, so here I was 38 and looking at midlife.. and I was beginning to FEEL the weight. I had to do something quick! I loved food too much to stick to a "diet". Besides, I have never thought diets were the answer to anything.   A "diet" is a short term plan to restrict your caloric intake and drop some weight. What happens when you go off your diet or when it's over? Do you just regain the weight and have to start all over? Screw that. I needed retraining and a healthy eating plan. Something permanent. I don't think that WLS is for everyone, but I was pretty certain it was for me.
Ok. So, now I am in this program... now what? Well, I had to go for an orientation. At the orientation they took our pictures, vitals and recorded our weights. My heaviest recorded weight at Kaiser was 282.6. They gave us binders full of information, had us watch some videos and talked to us at LENGTH of the requirements, responsibilites and consequences of this life changing surgery. We also had the program laid out for us. We would have to start following the post-op eating style immediately. Yup. Right that minute. Throughout the program, they would be tracking our progress and we had to show a certain amount of weightloss before we would be approved for surgery. Uh-oh. I already knew I couldn't follow a "diet". I have virtually no willpower. I was determined, though. I was going to do what I needed to do to become healthy. (Yes, this was partially about being more attractive... but, after much research, I found the health benefits started to become more and more important to me. Eventually, it became more about being healthy and less about being "pretty". I think I can honestly say that if I had continued to think of this as some sort of "get pretty quick" type fix.. I would have failed miserably.)    We would have to go back for several appointments. We had to have a psycological exam, we had to meet with nutritionist to relearn how to eat, there were several more classes to help determine just what KIND of weight loss surgery would be most fitting for each of us, and there was a plethora of bloodwork/labs to be done. We had to be tested for sleep apnea... and if we had it, then we had to treat it before surgery. It was all very overwhelming. But, again, I was determined. We also learned that the program was different for each person and it could take a year to complete. Or longer. I think my first appointment was on April 27th. As it turned out, I was READY.
The next several weeks were a whirlwind of appointments and classes. The long and short of it was that 1. I would have to take vitamin supplements for the rest of my life. Not just a multi in the morning, but 2 regular multis in the morning, six calcuim chews throughout the day, vitamin D3, Vitamin C, two more multis in the late afternoon and (because I am a menstruating female) iron at night. Forever. This gets drilled into your head through the entire program. It's important. Because your hair tends to thin and fall out for several months after surgery, it is also suggested that you take Biotin. (This was not taught in the class, but recommeded by several people who had been through surgery.). 2. Losing weight quickly causes loose skin. Depending on your age and the amount of weight you needed to lose, it could be a LOT of skin. Most insurances don't cover the removal of excess skin and it is considered cosmetic. It MIGHT be covered if the skin becomes a medical problem. 3. There are several different types of surgery out there, but the only ones covered by MY Kaiser at the time were Roux en Y Gastric Bypass, The Vertical Sleeve and The Band. (I want to say Lap-Band, but Lap-Band is a brand and I am not sure if it's the one they do there). The type of surgery you have determines the eating plan you can follow and the number of vitamins you must take. Some surgeries are restrictive.. meaning that they restrict the amount of food you can ingest. Some are based on malabsorption. Some are both. I would go over the differences here, but I am not a doctor and don't want to misinform anyone. I can tell you about the one we chose for me. I had the Roux en Y Gastric Bypass. What it boils down to is that my stomach was altered... the part that I can use is very small. About an ounce or the amount that is held by a shotglass. My small intestine has been rerouted to this new stomach... so I have some malabsorbtion.
   I followed the new way of eating like a champ! I lost 25 lbs in about a month. I was taking vitamins. I was drinking the 64+ ounces of water (or zero calorie, non-carbonated drinks). I ate NO sugar (except what occurs naturally in nonfat yogurt). I worked out.   Because of my dedication, I was deemed ready to meet with the surgeon. I believe this was the first or second week of June. (total weight loss at that point: 35 or so pounds). Meeting with the surgeon is the final big step. He or she will probably send you for some last minute labs, but that's the day that you are supposed to get your final weight loss goal and set your surgical appointment. I was lucky, there had been a cancellation on July 1st.. they wanted to know if I wanted that appointment. HELLS YEAH I DID!!    They gave me the last minute labs and told me to call after 1pm the day before to find out what time I needed to be there.
I was so nervous! I am told that everyone goes through it... no matter how ready they might think they are. I had nightmares of dying on the table. I suddenly seemed to come across every horror story ever written about my surgery. I even had some brief moments of actual panic.
I want to take a moment to say that most people don't make it through the program that quickly. It usually does, and should, take quite a bit of time to prepare for. I am not sure you are ever REALLY prepared for what is in store after surgery. Getting in your protein (protein shakes... YUCK!), taking the vitamins, getting in your fluids... it all sounds like it shouldn't be a big deal... but, ask anyone who has had the surgery.. it's much harder than you'd think.
July 1st arrived. I was scheduled at 8am. I believe I was in surgery until 2pm. Unlike some, I remember NOTHING after the sedative in pre-op. Some people remember the actual surgical room.. I have absolutely no memory of that. I don't even remember having the mask put on my face or any sort of a count down. Nothing until I woke up in my room at like 3pm or so. I actually felt pretty good. I had heard/read that I should expect chest pains, trouble breathing, serious incision pain... I had none of those things. There was some mild discomfort, but, again, I expected MUCH worse. My c-sections were much more painful by far! Very soon after I woke up, they wanted me to get up and try to walk. I dreaded this. Getting out of bed uses stomach muscles and I had five fresh incisions to worry about. As it turned out, this was not a problem for me. It took a little time.. but only because I was being extra careful.. I kept waiting for the pain I kept hearing so much about. It wasn't FUN... but, it wasn't bad.
My support person helped me get my slippers on, the nurse unplugged my IV and down the hall I went. I had read/heard that the more you walked, the faster you expelled the gas and the faster you healed. With that in mind, I walked pretty much constantly. Up and down that hall until it was time to eat or sleep.
Two things I think I forgot to mention here. 1. My surgery was laproscopic. This means that they didn't make one large incision, but five (in my case) small ones. A camera was inserted through one of the openings and my abdomin was blown up with gas to allow room for movement of the instruments which are inserted through the other openings. That gas gets sucked back out afterward, but they can't get it ALL. So, most people have sharp gas pains right after surgery. The pains are usually reported as a stabbing sensation in their shoulder or a sharp pain when they breathe. With this in mind, remember that the gas has to be released somehow. It comes out just as you'd expect it to. You fart. A lot.   Or so I am told. I didn't really have that. I think my doctor was just VERY VERY skilled. My point here is that if you have this type of surgery, make sure your support person is someone you are comfortable around. Holding that gas in is supposed to be very painful. 2. I was given a self-administered morphine drip. That probably had quite a bit to do with my comfort level. =] Although, really, I only hit the button as often as I did out of FEAR of pain more than any actual pain. The following morning, I was allowed to eat my first "meal". This first "meal" consisted of vegetable broth (low sodium), hot tea, water and ....I think there may have been sugar free Jello. I sipped VERY slowly at the broth. I managed to get a couple of tablespoons down before feeling full.
The evening of my second post op day, I was informed that since I was doing so well, I could go home. I was instructed to move on to a pureed diet. Low salt, no sugar, no caffeine. So, pretty much everything I had had on the liquid diet plus protein shakes and a list of things I could blend in my new Magic Bullet. Yeah.. forget that. I stayed on liquids for a few more days. My pain was managable with tylenol, for the most part.
I will cover the first month of at home recovery in my next blog. Just know that for the first nine days I was at home, I lost about 3 lbs a day... a total of 27 lbs in just over a week. In the 8 months since I had surgery, I have dropped from 282 down to 169. I have gone from a size 24 to a size 8.
Thanks for reading! I am happy to answer any questions you may have.. you can find me on Facebook by looking me up with my email address: punkmime@yahoo.com.
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